siehn: (thinking of you | heart in my eyes | h50)
[personal profile] siehn
I wasn't entirely sure what I was going to put here, but-- I think maybe I know what I want to say?

I read something today that just kind of...Struck me? Rang true? I'm not sure.

It was 'Sometimes you have to find your own reasons to celebrate.'

In light of everything that's happened to me this year...Well, sometimes reasons to celebrate are few, and far between. I'm doing a lot better than I was; I'm in a better place to deal with things, but it's still extremely hard sometimes.

Just yesterday I was sitting at the table, and I just. I don't know; it just hit me, everything, and I had to close my eyes, and just breathe.

And then today, we finally got the last stuff from the apt unpacked; the few clothes we had that we managed to save, and they were smokey, and burned, and I just. I took one look at them, and almost lost it.

I can't stand the smell of smoke anymore; I can't be outside when they're grilling something on the pit. It's all the little things, and...I don't know. I just wish it didn't have so much power over me. Like at work the other day, when I accidentally almost caught the microwave on fire. I freaked the fuck out. And they laughed, but. I just. couldn't.

It's there, every day, in everything I do, and I can't make it go away. I have to live with it; deal with it, and I am, but. I'm so tired, sometimes, when it gets hard to be strong, and I just want to sit down, and cry, or curl up in my bed, and sleep the day away.

But I am dealing, and that's what matters. I'm here, and my family is here; we may not have all that we did -- we lost a lot of things that we can't get back, but they were just things, and we can make new memories to hang on walls, y'know?

It matters that I'm here. That I made it. I've stopped (mostly) telling myself otherwise.

I'm here. I'm alive. I want to live.

I guess what I'm trying to say...

Live. Laugh. Enjoy all the good, amazing things in your life.

I hope the new year is better than the last, and I'm so, so thankful to all my friends, new and old, but a few in particular who helped me make it through the worst time.

♥ You know who you are, and I love you. Looking forward to another year with y'all.



on 2011-12-24 05:30 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
God, I... Have no idea what happened, but.

I'm glad you're here, too. =) Happy holidays, Siehn.

on 2011-12-24 07:07 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
I love that quote and I'm glad you're recognizing the good in your life right now. I am going to take a page from your book. :)

on 2011-12-24 04:29 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
Happy Holidays to you too, love! *cuddles* You are so brave, never believe otherwise, and I just want to give you the biggest snuggle. <3

on 2011-12-24 09:10 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
I send you a true wish for a much better year to come

on 2011-12-28 07:19 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
*hugs hugs hugs hugs more*

One of the best things about this past year is gaining you as a friend <3


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