Updates, life, thoughts, and fandom
Jan. 30th, 2012 10:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
siehnI promised myself I would do this, no matter how much I've decided I don't need to anymore. Because I tend to tell myself that, and it is very much a lie.
So, this, to begin with:
sometimes, rare now,
my head is full of fire.
The flames burst to life,
a flickering, frightening orange glow
bouncing, and bending; burning
everything, all around.
i stand in a circle of fire
twisting and dancing around me.
i can't breathe, inhaling
heat, and darkness and smoke;
too afraid to move
pray, beg; I choke.
I just wrote it, about ten minutes ago. I don't know why the fire is in my head tonight; it's actually been a fairly good day. There haven't been any bad spots in a while. Well, okay no, that's a lie. I had a minor panic attack at the stove the other day wherein I had to stop, close my eyes, and remember that yes, I can breathe properly again. It happened because I was boiling tea, and the burner flared a bit. Of course, we had grilled food tonight, and the smoke-taste always dredges up the smell that I don't think is ever going to go away. Sense-memory. I get short-of-breath sometimes, when I smell it. Which makes sense, considering the day or so after the fire I hadn't been able to breathe because of smoke inhalation. I nearly had to go to the E.R. Probably should have, honestly; I know it damaged my lungs, but we had an inhaler, and I used it instead. My head-space those days was...Not good.
I don't think I'll ever stop blaming myself, even though I know it was an accident, but I am getting to where I can look at it, and go 'it happened. You survived. That's a good thing.' Which is a damn sight better than I was. I'm getting through it; maybe not over it, but certainly through it, and that? That makes me so relieved, so happy, just knowing that this isn't a forever thing. Even though it feels like it, sometimes.
I got a new necklace. My old one, with my grandpa's dog tags, and my wolf-charm made it through the fire, but the wolf charm melted. I felt..Naked? without it. I guess you'd call it my spirit guide, if you believe in that. (I do). So yes, I got a new one. It's a wolf charm, with shed wolf fur, and then I got a dream catcher charm, and a compass. They all have meaning, of course. It makes me feel better, hanging around my neck where I can see it, and feel it. That's probably silly, but I don't care.
I've been drawing again. It feels so good to be sitting there with my sketchbook, scribbling out lines, and shading; to be painting, or just doodling. It's been my passion, my escape, for so long that it felt wrong to not be able to do it when I needed to the most. And yes, occasionally fire does crop up, and it astounds me. Because I don't make it ugly. It isn't vague lines, or blurred colors of something I'm so terrified of. It ends up being beautifully crafted lines of swirls, and dancing bits of flame. It ends up just the right shade of yellow, and orange, and a hint of a glow. I don't know why I make it beautiful when it took so much. I don't know why I do a lot of things.
I quit my job. After that breakdown with the cooking, I decided I couldn't do it anymore. I wasn't going to put myself through that again, and I was only getting 21 hours a week anyway. I feel so much better now, it's amazing. (Of course, now I need to get another one)
I'M GOING BACK TO COLLEGE. IT'S OFFICIAL. Art major--It's the one thing I want to do; the only thing I can really see myself doing. I am an artist. I start in the Fall. I'm...nervous, excited, terrified, looking forward to it. LIFE, GUYS. I'M FINALLY GETTING TO IT.
In Fandom-news. I am obsessed with Sherlock. Obviously. IT'S JUST AMAZING GUYS. SERIOUSLY. And still in the H50 camp, of course. Out of Supernatural completely, though. I just. I can't do that show anymore. Writing a Sherlock/H50 crossover that's going to be a post-Reichenbach reunion fic. IT'S GONNA HAVE STEVE AND SHERLOCK, Y'ALL. AND JOHN AND DANNY. BEING BADASS. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT. Incidentally, like most of the things I write(lol), you can blame this on![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ciaimpala. x)
I WANT ALL THE SHERLOCK/FANTASY FICS. I'VE JUST FINISHED SOME, AND THEY ARE AMAZING PLEASE TO BE WRITING ME THEM. SPECIFICALLY: WEREWOLF!JOHN IS A THING OF AMAZEMENT, AWE, AND BEAUTY. Of course, I think that about any version of John, so.
OHYES. My birthday is in a month. I'm looking forward to it. Going out to eat with the family, I know, but I haven't made any other plans yet. Tempted to just throw a bit of a party here at home, and invite the friends over. It'd be fun, I think, and drinking would be safe because we'd all be here.
Okay, then. I think this has gotten insanely long, aaand I should wrap it up now. ♥♥
So, this, to begin with:
sometimes, rare now,
my head is full of fire.
The flames burst to life,
a flickering, frightening orange glow
bouncing, and bending; burning
everything, all around.
i stand in a circle of fire
twisting and dancing around me.
i can't breathe, inhaling
heat, and darkness and smoke;
too afraid to move
pray, beg; I choke.
I just wrote it, about ten minutes ago. I don't know why the fire is in my head tonight; it's actually been a fairly good day. There haven't been any bad spots in a while. Well, okay no, that's a lie. I had a minor panic attack at the stove the other day wherein I had to stop, close my eyes, and remember that yes, I can breathe properly again. It happened because I was boiling tea, and the burner flared a bit. Of course, we had grilled food tonight, and the smoke-taste always dredges up the smell that I don't think is ever going to go away. Sense-memory. I get short-of-breath sometimes, when I smell it. Which makes sense, considering the day or so after the fire I hadn't been able to breathe because of smoke inhalation. I nearly had to go to the E.R. Probably should have, honestly; I know it damaged my lungs, but we had an inhaler, and I used it instead. My head-space those days was...Not good.
I don't think I'll ever stop blaming myself, even though I know it was an accident, but I am getting to where I can look at it, and go 'it happened. You survived. That's a good thing.' Which is a damn sight better than I was. I'm getting through it; maybe not over it, but certainly through it, and that? That makes me so relieved, so happy, just knowing that this isn't a forever thing. Even though it feels like it, sometimes.
I got a new necklace. My old one, with my grandpa's dog tags, and my wolf-charm made it through the fire, but the wolf charm melted. I felt..Naked? without it. I guess you'd call it my spirit guide, if you believe in that. (I do). So yes, I got a new one. It's a wolf charm, with shed wolf fur, and then I got a dream catcher charm, and a compass. They all have meaning, of course. It makes me feel better, hanging around my neck where I can see it, and feel it. That's probably silly, but I don't care.
I've been drawing again. It feels so good to be sitting there with my sketchbook, scribbling out lines, and shading; to be painting, or just doodling. It's been my passion, my escape, for so long that it felt wrong to not be able to do it when I needed to the most. And yes, occasionally fire does crop up, and it astounds me. Because I don't make it ugly. It isn't vague lines, or blurred colors of something I'm so terrified of. It ends up being beautifully crafted lines of swirls, and dancing bits of flame. It ends up just the right shade of yellow, and orange, and a hint of a glow. I don't know why I make it beautiful when it took so much. I don't know why I do a lot of things.
I quit my job. After that breakdown with the cooking, I decided I couldn't do it anymore. I wasn't going to put myself through that again, and I was only getting 21 hours a week anyway. I feel so much better now, it's amazing. (Of course, now I need to get another one)
I'M GOING BACK TO COLLEGE. IT'S OFFICIAL. Art major--It's the one thing I want to do; the only thing I can really see myself doing. I am an artist. I start in the Fall. I'm...nervous, excited, terrified, looking forward to it. LIFE, GUYS. I'M FINALLY GETTING TO IT.
In Fandom-news. I am obsessed with Sherlock. Obviously. IT'S JUST AMAZING GUYS. SERIOUSLY. And still in the H50 camp, of course. Out of Supernatural completely, though. I just. I can't do that show anymore. Writing a Sherlock/H50 crossover that's going to be a post-Reichenbach reunion fic. IT'S GONNA HAVE STEVE AND SHERLOCK, Y'ALL. AND JOHN AND DANNY. BEING BADASS. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT. Incidentally, like most of the things I write(lol), you can blame this on
ciaimpala. x) I WANT ALL THE SHERLOCK/FANTASY FICS. I'VE JUST FINISHED SOME, AND THEY ARE AMAZING PLEASE TO BE WRITING ME THEM. SPECIFICALLY: WEREWOLF!JOHN IS A THING OF AMAZEMENT, AWE, AND BEAUTY. Of course, I think that about any version of John, so.
OHYES. My birthday is in a month. I'm looking forward to it. Going out to eat with the family, I know, but I haven't made any other plans yet. Tempted to just throw a bit of a party here at home, and invite the friends over. It'd be fun, I think, and drinking would be safe because we'd all be here.
Okay, then. I think this has gotten insanely long, aaand I should wrap it up now. ♥♥
no subject
on 2012-01-31 09:37 pm (UTC)♥♥ You've been such a huge help in getting through all of this. ALL THE HUGS.
I KNOOW, RIGHT? I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT IT. Terrified, too, but SO EXCITED. x3 YAY. I'm definitely going to need it!
x3 You can find some of my older stuff at tempestrains.deviantart.com. I haven't posted any drawings since the fire 'cause I lost my tablet to it, but.
I KNOW. OHMYGAWD I LOVE IT SO MUCH.
x3 You are definitely the top enabler. haha. I'll get it sent to you once I get it tweaked to my satisfaction. lolol I ran into a couple scenes that didn't flow right, so now I'm scribbling away at them.