(no subject)
Nov. 5th, 2011 12:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
siehnThoughts on things.
We got everything cleaned up. I lost...A lot of things. It doesn't really matter much right now, though. I can't seem to...Feel things right. Everything is...dull? Out of focus, I guess.
I cry at random times, and I know it's stupid, and ridiculous, and I should be okay but I'm not, and I hate it.
My sister told me yesterday that our mother was going to leave and it would be my fault. I broke down completely. Rationally, I know that's not true; I know my mother isn't going to leave, and I know it's not my fault, but. But.
I was the one cooking. I was the one there, and I was the one who didn't even try to put it out.
I ran back in. For my cat. The flames were high, and there was smoke everywhere, and it was thick as fuck, and I couldn't breathe, but my cat was crying loud, and I just. I couldn't leave her in there even though I knew I shouldn't go back in, and I did anyway, and now all I smell is smoke, and I can taste it in everything I eat, and I hate it. I hate it so much. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is flames. Fire. Everywhere.
I won't cook. I can't go in the kitchen when someone is cooking or I freak the fuck out.
I just. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to sit here, wondering if they hate me for it, and are just hiding it. I don't want to sit here, thinking maybe I shouldn't have left the house, maybe I should have stayed inside. I don't want to sit here, and feel nothing but numb.
I'm so tired of it. It's stupid, and ridiculous, and I was told to snap out of it today, but I can't. I don't know how to shake this one.
Sometimes I feel like I just want to scream. Other times I don't feel anything at all. I'm supposed to be talking to all these people, calling them to let them know how I am, or whatever, but. I just. I don't want to.
I just want to be me again.
At least writing helps. And h50 is about the only thing I can manage to stir up a little interest for. -sigh-
We got everything cleaned up. I lost...A lot of things. It doesn't really matter much right now, though. I can't seem to...Feel things right. Everything is...dull? Out of focus, I guess.
I cry at random times, and I know it's stupid, and ridiculous, and I should be okay but I'm not, and I hate it.
My sister told me yesterday that our mother was going to leave and it would be my fault. I broke down completely. Rationally, I know that's not true; I know my mother isn't going to leave, and I know it's not my fault, but. But.
I was the one cooking. I was the one there, and I was the one who didn't even try to put it out.
I ran back in. For my cat. The flames were high, and there was smoke everywhere, and it was thick as fuck, and I couldn't breathe, but my cat was crying loud, and I just. I couldn't leave her in there even though I knew I shouldn't go back in, and I did anyway, and now all I smell is smoke, and I can taste it in everything I eat, and I hate it. I hate it so much. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is flames. Fire. Everywhere.
I won't cook. I can't go in the kitchen when someone is cooking or I freak the fuck out.
I just. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to sit here, wondering if they hate me for it, and are just hiding it. I don't want to sit here, thinking maybe I shouldn't have left the house, maybe I should have stayed inside. I don't want to sit here, and feel nothing but numb.
I'm so tired of it. It's stupid, and ridiculous, and I was told to snap out of it today, but I can't. I don't know how to shake this one.
Sometimes I feel like I just want to scream. Other times I don't feel anything at all. I'm supposed to be talking to all these people, calling them to let them know how I am, or whatever, but. I just. I don't want to.
I just want to be me again.
At least writing helps. And h50 is about the only thing I can manage to stir up a little interest for. -sigh-
no subject
on 2011-11-05 01:49 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2011-11-05 11:11 pm (UTC)Just knowing you're there helps.
Heh. And writing that story helps, too, actually. I didn't make it in time for the deadline, but I'm still writing it, and it helps. So thank you, for that. ♥
no subject
on 2011-11-06 12:39 am (UTC)