(no subject)

[siehn]

Thoughts on things.



We got everything cleaned up. I lost...A lot of things. It doesn't really matter much right now, though. I can't seem to...Feel things right. Everything is...dull? Out of focus, I guess.

I cry at random times, and I know it's stupid, and ridiculous, and I should be okay but I'm not, and I hate it.

My sister told me yesterday that our mother was going to leave and it would be my fault. I broke down completely. Rationally, I know that's not true; I know my mother isn't going to leave, and I know it's not my fault, but. But.

I was the one cooking. I was the one there, and I was the one who didn't even try to put it out.

I ran back in. For my cat. The flames were high, and there was smoke everywhere, and it was thick as fuck, and I couldn't breathe, but my cat was crying loud, and I just. I couldn't leave her in there even though I knew I shouldn't go back in, and I did anyway, and now all I smell is smoke, and I can taste it in everything I eat, and I hate it. I hate it so much. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is flames. Fire. Everywhere.

I won't cook. I can't go in the kitchen when someone is cooking or I freak the fuck out.

I just. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to sit here, wondering if they hate me for it, and are just hiding it. I don't want to sit here, thinking maybe I shouldn't have left the house, maybe I should have stayed inside. I don't want to sit here, and feel nothing but numb.

I'm so tired of it. It's stupid, and ridiculous, and I was told to snap out of it today, but I can't. I don't know how to shake this one.

Sometimes I feel like I just want to scream. Other times I don't feel anything at all. I'm supposed to be talking to all these people, calling them to let them know how I am, or whatever, but. I just. I don't want to.

I just want to be me again.

At least writing helps. And h50 is about the only thing I can manage to stir up a little interest for. -sigh-

Comments

[ciaimpala.livejournal.com]

Hon, I wish I had the words to make this all okay, I can't tell you how much I wish that *hugs super super tight* I am so glad you got out of there, so many of us are so glad. *hugs super tight again*

[siehn.livejournal.com]

Thanks. ♥ -hugs-

Just knowing you're there helps.

Heh. And writing that story helps, too, actually. I didn't make it in time for the deadline, but I'm still writing it, and it helps. So thank you, for that. ♥

[ciaimpala.livejournal.com]

I'm really glad I could help somehow *hugs*

[lady-peony.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time with everything after the fire. It's okay if you can't just "snap out of it" yet, it'll take time, and it's not stupid and ridiculous to feel like this, it sounds like a pretty normal reaction to something huge and catastrophic like this.

Even if you don't want to talk to other people yet, we'll be here to listen to anything you do want to talk about at this time.

[siehn.livejournal.com]

Thank you for telling me it's okay. I think maybe I needed to hear that.

[aino-himitsu.livejournal.com]

When I got your message last week, I was on the phone with my grandmother. All the breath left me and my hands starting shaking and I remember trying really hard not to cry and to focus while on the phone. My heart was breaking for you, sweetie, and I wanted so badly to do something for you. I felt helpless, I still feel helpless. Because I know you went through something absolutely horrid... -hugs so very tight- You have not left my thoughts for even one minute, even when I have to do something else. You're still at the back of my mind. And it's because I could have lost you, lost one of my dearest friends.

“I don't want to sit here, thinking maybe I shouldn't have left the house, maybe I should have stayed inside.”

Don't you dare think that way. I know it's harder than hell right now. But you talk to me, you talk to someone when you have these thoughts, especially when you can't shake them.

Let me tell you something... I have not suffered this exact experience, this exact pain. But I see signs of PSTD from this...I do know what it is like to live with that. I know all about wanting to hurt myself, thinking about it, even attempting it. By all rights I shouldn't even be here today for some of the crap of tried. And it took years to pull myself out of hell. It took me falling in love with someone to figure out just how precious life is, that you're not supposed to wanna die for somebody, you're supposed to want to live for them. It's easy to take your own life, to be done with it all. But it takes a helluva lot more energy and strength and will to wanna live for someone. And that someone can include yourself.

If you are not strong right now, then I will give you some of my strength. -hugs tight-

I know that it's harder than hell right now to see it, but things will get better. You've made it through this experience, hell you're still making it through. And I know without a doubt that you will be stronger because of it.

Don't you ever forget there are people who love you, who are here for you. And if you need anything, anything you reach out to me, you ask me, or you do so with someone you feel comfortable with.

The last thing you need right now is to be silent or wall yourself up. -hugs tighter-

You are in the stages of grieving and as lady_peony says, "It's okay if you can't just 'snap out of it' yet." And she's also right when you she says it's not stupid or ridiculous to feel the way you're feeling. It's one way your mind and spirit have found to cope.

“I don't know how to shake this one.”

You will.

“I don't want to sit here, and feel nothing but numb.”

Then get up. Do not be still. Play with your animals. Cry. Write a crappy poem just for the helluva it. Do that screaming you want to do and need to. Write. Drool over your h50 guys. Wash dishes. Clean. Go take a walk. Run. Dance. Look at something or think of something stupid and see if it makes you laugh. Just stay busy. I'm not saying forget but stay on the move. Life is continuously on the move and it will help you to remember to move forward, when you feel that you are ready. And move, especially when you don't feel like it, when you can't feel.

And in saying all of that, it is okay to rest and heal. You need to take care of yourself right now. The trauma you suffered is no small thing, and you need to be taken care of, too. Because you are precious. You matter. You deserve to heal and to find happiness again. And you will. I know you will.

-

Because LJ's character limit is dumb, here's the rest...

[aino-himitsu.livejournal.com]

The novel thing I was talking about during the summer is set in motion and I've dedicated it to you, and I feel you should hear the words to you from the dedication right now:

Love, I want to say that the wolf has four paws with which she runs; the butterfly has two pairs of wings with which she flies; and wherever they go on their journeys, they'll be going together. I'm here for you always, my dearest one.

The novel is only beginning, but I promise to you that I will finish it. I hardly ever seem to finish things, but this is something I will. And when you are ready, I wish with all my heart for you to be the novel's artist.

I was thinking...that you might have lost your art from the fire. And I can't retrieve those pieces, but I can create you new things. I have a ton of poems forming in head...

I know it's a small thing...but I want to do something...

I don't know what else you lost, and I know I'm repeating myself, but please reach out to me and ask.

I love you, sweetie, and I'm always gonna be here for you.

Always your butterfly,
Yo

Re: Because LJ's character limit is dumb, here's the rest...

[siehn.livejournal.com]

You have no idea how much I needed to read this.

Today was....Not the easiest. My grandmother was put in the hospital this morning, and they still don't know what's wrong. It just. It seems like everything is hitting all at once, and I just. I don't know.

I'm not...The best at reaching out to others. I never have been. This is the most I've said to anyone about it, since it happened. Mostly I don't really know how to talk about it, or about how it's affecting me.

I have been thinking a lot about starting to walk in the mornings. Maybe it'll clear my head, get the fire out of it.

That's a beautiful dedication, Yo. Thank you. ♥ ♥ I would love to be your artist. I've slowly started drawing again. I have to get a new sketchbook though. I lost all of mine. I managed to save about three pictures that I've done, but. Everything else burned.

I haven't gone back to work yet, and I need to do that. I just. I don't know. I guess I'm tired of pretending, and I'll have to do that there.

I've been writing. Mostly h50 stuff. I don't know. I guess maybe a combination of activity, and art might help me get my equilibrium back.

And I would adore anything you want to create. ♥♥

Love you, Yo. Thank you. For a lot of things.