(no subject)
Nov. 5th, 2011 12:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
siehnThoughts on things.
We got everything cleaned up. I lost...A lot of things. It doesn't really matter much right now, though. I can't seem to...Feel things right. Everything is...dull? Out of focus, I guess.
I cry at random times, and I know it's stupid, and ridiculous, and I should be okay but I'm not, and I hate it.
My sister told me yesterday that our mother was going to leave and it would be my fault. I broke down completely. Rationally, I know that's not true; I know my mother isn't going to leave, and I know it's not my fault, but. But.
I was the one cooking. I was the one there, and I was the one who didn't even try to put it out.
I ran back in. For my cat. The flames were high, and there was smoke everywhere, and it was thick as fuck, and I couldn't breathe, but my cat was crying loud, and I just. I couldn't leave her in there even though I knew I shouldn't go back in, and I did anyway, and now all I smell is smoke, and I can taste it in everything I eat, and I hate it. I hate it so much. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is flames. Fire. Everywhere.
I won't cook. I can't go in the kitchen when someone is cooking or I freak the fuck out.
I just. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to sit here, wondering if they hate me for it, and are just hiding it. I don't want to sit here, thinking maybe I shouldn't have left the house, maybe I should have stayed inside. I don't want to sit here, and feel nothing but numb.
I'm so tired of it. It's stupid, and ridiculous, and I was told to snap out of it today, but I can't. I don't know how to shake this one.
Sometimes I feel like I just want to scream. Other times I don't feel anything at all. I'm supposed to be talking to all these people, calling them to let them know how I am, or whatever, but. I just. I don't want to.
I just want to be me again.
At least writing helps. And h50 is about the only thing I can manage to stir up a little interest for. -sigh-
We got everything cleaned up. I lost...A lot of things. It doesn't really matter much right now, though. I can't seem to...Feel things right. Everything is...dull? Out of focus, I guess.
I cry at random times, and I know it's stupid, and ridiculous, and I should be okay but I'm not, and I hate it.
My sister told me yesterday that our mother was going to leave and it would be my fault. I broke down completely. Rationally, I know that's not true; I know my mother isn't going to leave, and I know it's not my fault, but. But.
I was the one cooking. I was the one there, and I was the one who didn't even try to put it out.
I ran back in. For my cat. The flames were high, and there was smoke everywhere, and it was thick as fuck, and I couldn't breathe, but my cat was crying loud, and I just. I couldn't leave her in there even though I knew I shouldn't go back in, and I did anyway, and now all I smell is smoke, and I can taste it in everything I eat, and I hate it. I hate it so much. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is flames. Fire. Everywhere.
I won't cook. I can't go in the kitchen when someone is cooking or I freak the fuck out.
I just. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to sit here, wondering if they hate me for it, and are just hiding it. I don't want to sit here, thinking maybe I shouldn't have left the house, maybe I should have stayed inside. I don't want to sit here, and feel nothing but numb.
I'm so tired of it. It's stupid, and ridiculous, and I was told to snap out of it today, but I can't. I don't know how to shake this one.
Sometimes I feel like I just want to scream. Other times I don't feel anything at all. I'm supposed to be talking to all these people, calling them to let them know how I am, or whatever, but. I just. I don't want to.
I just want to be me again.
At least writing helps. And h50 is about the only thing I can manage to stir up a little interest for. -sigh-
Because LJ's character limit is dumb, here's the rest...
on 2011-11-05 10:33 pm (UTC)Love, I want to say that the wolf has four paws with which she runs; the butterfly has two pairs of wings with which she flies; and wherever they go on their journeys, they'll be going together. I'm here for you always, my dearest one.
The novel is only beginning, but I promise to you that I will finish it. I hardly ever seem to finish things, but this is something I will. And when you are ready, I wish with all my heart for you to be the novel's artist.
I was thinking...that you might have lost your art from the fire. And I can't retrieve those pieces, but I can create you new things. I have a ton of poems forming in head...
I know it's a small thing...but I want to do something...
I don't know what else you lost, and I know I'm repeating myself, but please reach out to me and ask.
I love you, sweetie, and I'm always gonna be here for you.
Always your butterfly,
Yo
Re: Because LJ's character limit is dumb, here's the rest...
on 2011-11-05 11:08 pm (UTC)Today was....Not the easiest. My grandmother was put in the hospital this morning, and they still don't know what's wrong. It just. It seems like everything is hitting all at once, and I just. I don't know.
I'm not...The best at reaching out to others. I never have been. This is the most I've said to anyone about it, since it happened. Mostly I don't really know how to talk about it, or about how it's affecting me.
I have been thinking a lot about starting to walk in the mornings. Maybe it'll clear my head, get the fire out of it.
That's a beautiful dedication, Yo. Thank you. ♥ ♥ I would love to be your artist. I've slowly started drawing again. I have to get a new sketchbook though. I lost all of mine. I managed to save about three pictures that I've done, but. Everything else burned.
I haven't gone back to work yet, and I need to do that. I just. I don't know. I guess I'm tired of pretending, and I'll have to do that there.
I've been writing. Mostly h50 stuff. I don't know. I guess maybe a combination of activity, and art might help me get my equilibrium back.
And I would adore anything you want to create. ♥♥
Love you, Yo. Thank you. For a lot of things.