(no subject)

[siehn]

Thoughts on things.



We got everything cleaned up. I lost...A lot of things. It doesn't really matter much right now, though. I can't seem to...Feel things right. Everything is...dull? Out of focus, I guess.

I cry at random times, and I know it's stupid, and ridiculous, and I should be okay but I'm not, and I hate it.

My sister told me yesterday that our mother was going to leave and it would be my fault. I broke down completely. Rationally, I know that's not true; I know my mother isn't going to leave, and I know it's not my fault, but. But.

I was the one cooking. I was the one there, and I was the one who didn't even try to put it out.

I ran back in. For my cat. The flames were high, and there was smoke everywhere, and it was thick as fuck, and I couldn't breathe, but my cat was crying loud, and I just. I couldn't leave her in there even though I knew I shouldn't go back in, and I did anyway, and now all I smell is smoke, and I can taste it in everything I eat, and I hate it. I hate it so much. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is flames. Fire. Everywhere.

I won't cook. I can't go in the kitchen when someone is cooking or I freak the fuck out.

I just. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to sit here, wondering if they hate me for it, and are just hiding it. I don't want to sit here, thinking maybe I shouldn't have left the house, maybe I should have stayed inside. I don't want to sit here, and feel nothing but numb.

I'm so tired of it. It's stupid, and ridiculous, and I was told to snap out of it today, but I can't. I don't know how to shake this one.

Sometimes I feel like I just want to scream. Other times I don't feel anything at all. I'm supposed to be talking to all these people, calling them to let them know how I am, or whatever, but. I just. I don't want to.

I just want to be me again.

At least writing helps. And h50 is about the only thing I can manage to stir up a little interest for. -sigh-

Comments

[lady-peony.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time with everything after the fire. It's okay if you can't just "snap out of it" yet, it'll take time, and it's not stupid and ridiculous to feel like this, it sounds like a pretty normal reaction to something huge and catastrophic like this.

Even if you don't want to talk to other people yet, we'll be here to listen to anything you do want to talk about at this time.

[siehn.livejournal.com]

Thank you for telling me it's okay. I think maybe I needed to hear that.